“I Have a Question for You…” – Why That Phrase Sends Your Brain Into Panic Mode
Let me paint the scene.
You’re going about your day—coffee in hand, maybe scrolling through your phone, maybe doing something marginally productive—and you get a message or a tap on the shoulder:
“Hey, I have a question for you.”
Instantly, your body tenses.
Your stomach drops.
Your inner monologue sounds like:
“Oh God, what did I do?”
“Did I forget something?”
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Is this about that thing from last week… or ten years ago?”
It doesn’t matter who says it—your partner, your boss, a friend, or even your kid—you immediately scan every recent memory for what could possibly be the reason for “the question.”
That right there? That’s your brain in survival mode.
What’s Really Happening in Your Brain?
We are biologically wired to anticipate threat. This isn’t just anxiety—this is neurobiology.
When we hear a vague statement like “I have a question for you,” our brain treats it like a warning bell. The amygdala, our brain’s fear center, lights up before the actual meaning of the words even registers. That tiny almond-shaped structure is incredibly fast—faster than your logical brain—and it’s not subtle. Its job is to keep you safe, and it errs on the side of overreaction.
It activates the sympathetic nervous system, launching us into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Your heart rate increases, your breathing changes, your muscles tighten, and your thoughts start racing. All of this can happen in less than a second—and all before the person actually asks the question.
This is called anticipatory anxiety. And it’s completely normal.
Negativity Bias: The Evolutionary Root of Overthinking
Our brains have something called a negativity bias—the tendency to give more weight to negative information than positive. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense. If our ancestors assumed the rustling in the bushes was just the wind when it was actually a predator, well… you can guess how that ended. So we evolved to overestimate threat.
Now fast-forward to 2025. That rustling in the bushes has become vague emails, ambiguous texts, and statements like “I have a question for you.” And our brains haven’t quite caught up.
Trauma and the Amplified Response
If you have a history of trauma—or even just chronic stress—this reaction can be amplified. People who’ve lived through trauma often experience hypervigilance, meaning their brains are constantly scanning for danger. Ambiguity, like an open-ended statement or unclear intent, is a trigger.
And for trauma survivors, the response isn’t just mental. It’s physical. It’s felt in the chest, the gut, the jaw, the hands. It becomes a somatic flashback, even if no explicit memory is involved.
This is why something as simple as “Can I ask you something?” can feel threatening. It touches the part of us that needed to be ready for anything—especially when we weren’t safe.
Why This Happens Even If You Haven’t Done Anything Wrong
Here’s the kicker: this reaction happens even if you’re a good person who hasn’t done anything wrong. Why?
Because we confuse ambiguity with threat.
Because we’ve been blindsided before.
Because guilt and shame are familiar emotional grooves.
And because many of us were raised in environments where “I have a question” was often followed by punishment, blame, or rejection.
In short, your brain doesn’t care if you’re innocent. It cares if you’re prepared.
Therapist Tips for Reframing the Moment
So how do we calm the storm? Here are a few therapeutic strategies I teach my clients—and use myself:
1. Name What’s Happening
Try saying, “This is my brain’s safety system overreacting. I’m not in danger—I’m in discomfort.”
That acknowledgment can create just enough space between the trigger and your reaction.
2. Check for Evidence
Instead of catastrophizing, ask:
– What’s the most likely reason they’re asking?
– Have they ever attacked me out of nowhere before?
– Is there real evidence I’m in trouble?
The answer is usually: “No, this is just my nervous system doing its thing.”
3. Regulate Your Body
Take a few deep belly breaths. Drop your shoulders. Unclench your jaw. Movement can also help—walk, stretch, or shake out your hands to discharge the adrenaline.
4. Ask for Context
Normalize asking for clarification instead of assuming the worst.
Try: “Sure, what’s it about?” or “Is this a serious question or a random one?”
You’d be surprised how often the question is about lunch plans or movie recommendations.
5. Bring Compassion to the Table
Be kind to yourself. That younger version of you who felt blindsided, blamed, or scared is still trying to protect you. Thank them. But remind them: We’re safe now.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone in This
If this sounds like you, you’re in very good company. You're not too sensitive. You're not overreacting. You're not broken.
You’re just a human with a brain that’s doing its best to predict the unpredictable and avoid emotional pain. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you incredibly adaptable—and maybe just a little too self-aware for your own good sometimes.
So next time someone says, “I have a question for you,” take a beat. You’re allowed to feel the spike. You’re allowed to laugh at yourself. And you’re allowed to respond with:
“Sure… but if this is about me forgetting to take the chicken out of the freezer, I already know I’m guilty.”
You’re not here to be perfect. You’re here to grow, learn, and heal—one “vague question” at a time.
